Have my last few posts each been a promise to get back to this blog? I think they have been, I dare not go back and read them. It has that same feeling of listening to a recording of my own voice, not quite real, vaguely uncomfortable, and happy to avoid.
I’m at the monastery in India. It feels different now that I am not a shedra student. I taught here last summer and I will teach again this September. I feel bad for my students. I imagine I am quite difficult for them to understand the way I speak. They deny this, which is polite of them, if not quite believable to me.
It has been almost three years since I graduated and I am still trying to digest it all. I felt so lost that first year (2013), I was confused and uncomfortable. It was strange to ‘be a Lopon’. Though I do not, in fact, believe that it is my identity, it none the less changed things. I’m getting used to it now. In particular visiting some of our Palyul centres as a teacher was interesting for me. I am glad to be able to transmit some part of my education, even if I am just a tadpole in my own personal evolution.
If I am a tadpole, what legs do I hope to grow? Expressing my own thoughts and opinions on and off this blog, that’s one. Should I write that I aim to ‘develop in my practice’? It’s true enough. I would clarify that for these last 3 years my main practice which I am really trying to nurture is how I care for others. I’m happy with the traditional stuff, I love meditating on guru yoga, but at some point I realized I needed to connect better with the people around me, to love them and be present for them. That is the practice I am focusing on now.