Articles

Tadpole

Have my last few posts each been a promise to get back to this blog?   I think they have been, I dare not go back and read them.  It has that same feeling of listening to a recording of my own voice, not quite real, vaguely uncomfortable, and happy to avoid.

I’m at the monastery in India.  It feels different now that I am not a shedra student.  I taught here last summer and I will teach again this September.  I feel bad for my students.  I imagine I am quite difficult for them to understand the way I speak.  They deny this, which is polite of them, if not quite believable to me.

It has been almost three years since I graduated and I am still trying to digest it all.  I felt so lost that first year (2013),  I was confused and uncomfortable.  It was strange to ‘be a Lopon’.  Though I do not, in fact, believe that it is my identity, it none the less changed things.  I’m getting used to it now.  In particular visiting some of our Palyul centres as a teacher was interesting for me.  I am glad to be able to transmit some part of my education, even if I am just a tadpole in my own personal evolution.

If I am a tadpole, what legs do I hope to grow?  Expressing my own thoughts and opinions on and off this blog, that’s one.  Should I write that I aim to ‘develop in my practice’?  It’s true enough. I would clarify that for these last 3 years my main practice which I am really trying to nurture is how I care for others.  I’m happy with the traditional stuff,  I love meditating on guru yoga, but at some point I realized I needed to connect better with the people around me, to love them and be present for them.  That is the practice I am focusing on now.

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